5/24/08  This is the last of the the five writings from 2008 when I was taking care of my Mother-in-law who had dementia. She was a beautiful soul but my husband was a recipient of jerk DNA. He wore it proudly and we all suffered for it. There was a lot of stress on me and anyone else who crossed him. Kids included. Writing was my outlet but these were never put on here until now. He is in the nursing home with his own dementia. He pulled one to many stunts and the doctors placed him where he couldn’t run away from himself. If this sounds callous so be it. You cannot judge me unless you lived it.

Lost Again

I have jumped into the deep end of the pool

And can’t swim

Will anyone see me trying to survive?

I’m splashing and yelling but no one cares

They are all to busy trying to survive themselves

I lost again-regret is ruling the emotions

I should have been told how deep the water was

Fear if nothing else would have stopped the jump

But I could have looked myself

Instead I guessed I was right

Maybe that’s what is wrong

Guessing isn’t a certainty but this drowning is

I am sinking now but the water is comforting

It is engulfing me. Trying to help as best it can

It has become my friend and understands

As it seeks it’s own level too

Can it help me find mine?

My world has become slanted

Sometimes happy then sliding into gloom

I know ingratitude is pulling me deeper still

Am I the one who is wrong?

God didn’t tell me the water was so deep

Life has stripped the joy from me

Will I ever get it back?

Will the Lifeguard from above jump in for me?

Am I that important or will He save someone else?

I always seem to be the last one chosen

Maybe I should just learn to swim

Now that’s a thought! Can I even count on me?

We’ll see! I”ll just try a little longer

Hold on to the side and go to the shallow end.