helplessness – byheavenslight

5/24/08 This is the last of the the five writings from 2008 when I was taking care of my Mother-in-law who had dementia. She was a beautiful soul but my husband was a recipient of jerk DNA. He wore it proudly and we all suffered for it. There was a lot of stress on me and anyone else who crossed him. Kids included. Writing was my outlet but these were never put on here until now. He is in the nursing home with his own dementia. He pulled one to many stunts and the doctors placed him where he couldn’t run away from himself. If this sounds callous so be it. You cannot judge me unless you lived it.

Lost Again

I have jumped into the deep end of the pool

And can’t swim

Will anyone see me trying to survive?

I’m splashing and yelling but no one cares

They are all to busy trying to survive themselves

I lost again-regret is ruling the emotions

I should have been told how deep the water was

Fear if nothing else would have stopped the jump

But I could have looked myself

Instead I guessed I was right

Maybe that’s what is wrong

Guessing isn’t a certainty but this drowning is

I am sinking now but the water is comforting

It is engulfing me. Trying to help as best it can

It has become my friend and understands

As it seeks it’s own level too

Can it help me find mine?

My world has become slanted

Sometimes happy then sliding into gloom

I know ingratitude is pulling me deeper still

Am I the one who is wrong?

God didn’t tell me the water was so deep

Life has stripped the joy from me

Will I ever get it back?

Will the Lifeguard from above jump in for me?

Am I that important or will He save someone else?

I always seem to be the last one chosen

Maybe I should just learn to swim

Now that’s a thought! Can I even count on me?

We’ll see! I”ll just try a little longer

Hold on to the side and go to the shallow end.

Looking through the frosty glass of the diner’s window

She sees the soft fire-lit candles all aglow

Blowing snow lands atop her tiny uncovered head

The cold wraps around her caring not if she is fed

She cannot go in for shelter, or so she would think

Maybe someone will offer her a warm cinnamon drink

Ignored by most though some take a peak

Wondering who is this frail little child so weak

Life’s roads have been hard, like frozen ruts in the snow

Yet on she has walked alone with nowhere to go

“May I come in?” Her heart does hopefully have her ask

“Yes” they say, “But first you must do this task!”

“Make ready the tables for the honored guests.”

“Put out the dishes, the bread, and the rest.”

“You now must prepare the special meal.”

“It does not matter how hungry you feel!”

The food is now on the table and ready to eat

It is only then she asks if she can take her seat

“No, not yet, you must get us all of our needs!”

When she makes a mistake for forgiveness she pleads

Now the meal has ended and all the people are gone

No one has offered help to get the work done

She has to pay for the privilege, dish by dish

It is the only way she could possibly get her wish

To maybe be wanted and loved, or just to belong

And sometimes to feel as if she is part of life’s song

This frail little child just wants someone to care

But not one person did a little bit share

They did not give her love, nor compassion did they show

Their hearts were so hard, like frozen ruts in the snow.

Tag: helplessness

Lost Again

Ruts in the Snow