Just another WordPress.com site
There is a sadness creeping in
Thoughts of long ago
When the dream was new
Are fading like the horizon
In the rear view mirror
Leaving just memories of what was
Forcing the now to witness
This letting go
Hearts turning every which way
Because they’re lost in this maze of regret
For what time has stolen.
Trying to find the words
To describe how I feel
I am sad yet hopeful
Wanting to laugh
And yet to cry would be okay
Hope is dwindling to a slow drip
Others must always come first but really?
Is this a pity party I’m putting together?
What is this melancholy mood?
I want my dreams back
They have gone away again
And I can’t search for them
Life plays tricks on me
Makes promises which are not kept
Doubt dances with regret for time lost
Time that will never come back
Future minutes and seconds are only borrowed
And must be returned
How sad to never be able to plan a ‘for sure’
The unknown will win again over want
Now there is rain in my eyes
With no clouds in the sky
I wish I knew the answer
Maybe then I could see my dreams
And visit them for a spell.
5/24/08 This is the last of the the five writings from 2008 when I was taking care of my Mother-in-law who had dementia. She was a beautiful soul but my husband was a recipient of jerk DNA. He wore it proudly and we all suffered for it. There was a lot of stress on me and anyone else who crossed him. Kids included. Writing was my outlet but these were never put on here until now. He is in the nursing home with his own dementia. He pulled one to many stunts and the doctors placed him where he couldn’t run away from himself. If this sounds callous so be it. You cannot judge me unless you lived it.
Lost Again
I have jumped into the deep end of the pool
And can’t swim
Will anyone see me trying to survive?
I’m splashing and yelling but no one cares
They are all to busy trying to survive themselves
I lost again-regret is ruling the emotions
I should have been told how deep the water was
Fear if nothing else would have stopped the jump
But I could have looked myself
Instead I guessed I was right
Maybe that’s what is wrong
Guessing isn’t a certainty but this drowning is
I am sinking now but the water is comforting
It is engulfing me. Trying to help as best it can
It has become my friend and understands
As it seeks it’s own level too
Can it help me find mine?
My world has become slanted
Sometimes happy then sliding into gloom
I know ingratitude is pulling me deeper still
Am I the one who is wrong?
God didn’t tell me the water was so deep
Life has stripped the joy from me
Will I ever get it back?
Will the Lifeguard from above jump in for me?
Am I that important or will He save someone else?
I always seem to be the last one chosen
Maybe I should just learn to swim
Now that’s a thought! Can I even count on me?
We’ll see! I”ll just try a little longer
Hold on to the side and go to the shallow end.
5/24/2008
Life lives inside of me but it can’t be free
Held by all the traditions of right and wrong
What is right seems sometimes wrong
And what is wrong will sometimes seem right
If life is trapped within itself
How does it survive?
Does it feed on it’s own essence?
Which way would I go if I could get out?
Where would it stop? Who is hurt in the process?
Are the questions ever answered?
Only God knows the the end from the beginning
Therefore one must live to be free
And yet free to live but watch out!
The traps of right are set among the wrongs of others
Who stop all from living free
Their life is more important I guess
Does guilt ride on their shoulders like it does on mine?
I do what I can but is it ever enough?
Are the questions still being asked?
Yes! But until my answers come
I will wander in the realms of the unknown.
2/24/08
Today I left to security of quiet and walked out on a limb
Then opened my mouth
When will I learn that I cannot talk and climb at the same time?
I always end up with ‘my foot in my mouth’
I came tumbling down among the tarnished crowns
That I have saved for myself
Who do I think I am? That’s it! I do not know
Who I am or what I am!
Earthquakes in my soul shake the tree I try to climb
I hang on but barely
I want someone to help me but who do I trust?
I’m afraid I can’t get back or can’t go forward
Stuck comes to mind
Trapped out on this limb of my own making
Choices I made becoming the fruit of my life
I’m just me and not very good fruit right now
Picked to soon then hit by the bitter frost of reality
Robbed of nutrients to grow beyond myself
I don’t even know what kind of fruit I am
Am I a pear? Am I a peach?
Or am I an inedible useless thing
That looks and acts like real fruit?
Or am I only an imitation of someone else’s idea of me?
I guess I’ll just fall to the ground
And nourish someone else’s tree
So they can be proper fruit
With out feet to crush me
For he can do no wrong
Imperfect comes to mind
Pruning away the cause of the damage
Might be the only option
For now I must be really quiet while
Out on this limb for he might hear me
And throw a rock at me
That will hurt and leave a bruise
Bruised fruit soon rots and decays
Gives up or let’s go
I just don’t know! How do I fix this?
February 2008
Rude would be the word for the day
Uncaring tones of cruelty for unseen reasons
Excuses would be another word
What is the excuse to be so mean to Innocents?!
Why not slap them with your hand-NOT
Recovery would be swifter than from
The cutting barbs of a hateful tongue
Love dies under such weights of darkness
That dwells in one’s soul
Seeping out to attack unseen and unexpected
Enemies of these tender ones
But no matter to you!
Your deed has been accomplished
You have reigned above us
Spurned by you to no end
Hovering about in a trance most of the time
Then spearing from the deep recesses
With your hurtful remarks
No wondering about the intent
For love did not speak but hatefullness
Planted it’s seeds
Now you must reap the consequences
Of what you said
Time will take you on and win!
April 2008
Grace was not here tonight
Nor was kindness
Worlds apart in the effort to control
Bitterness and hate walked hand in hand
And hurt not only the young
But the old as well
How do you explain to the one that was hurt?
Grace was not here tonight
Nor was kindness
Enjoy your sleep for God heard you
Explain to Him the reason
Tell Him your excuse
He will be your judge
Was it a good reason?
I can’t answer for you
For I do not know
I only know you hurt someone tonight–Me!
Because you hurt mine!
Things of importance in my invisible realm
Are just a thought away
A cup of coffee with a friend will fill the void
Sitting on my porch watching my roses grow
Planning my garden so it can bloom so pretty
Reality tries to break through but not yet
It doesn’t make things better
My dream world is my comfort for now
Waiting for someone to come by
But they are to busy and don’t have the time
They drive by so close and yet
There are no thoughts of stopping
It’s lonely in this moment of time because
I ,too, have to get busy
Oh well! Maybe tomorrow
Time is the one who dances my life away now.
A mistake stays a mistake I don’t learn from it. If it teaches me that I am responsible for the choices I make when tested then it becomes a lesson in life and is up to me to study for the exam! I am responsible for me but the consequences of my choices will affect everyone with the ripples caused by any stones I may throw. God, Please help me to always be kind and forgiving not only to others but to myself as well.
‘Stones of emptiness’ that we can’t see, taste, or touch
Drag down our eternal souls that hinder our walk so much
One is called ‘gossip’ and ‘that’ we always want to hear
Another is ‘hate’ with it’s cruelty and it’s twin brother ‘fear’
‘Shame’ is another stone we carry in our bag full of woe
Then there is ‘jealousy’ and ‘envy’ that put on their show
Each has it’s own tormenting voice of ‘bitterness’ and ‘wrath’
‘Rage’ is another burden carried down this well worn path
‘Prejudice’ and ‘bigotry’ get tossed into this mix called life
‘Guilt’ travels along with the stones of ‘blame’ and ‘strife’
Then ‘condemnation’ and ‘regret’ come along for the ride
Cozying up to ‘ignorance’, ‘ungodliness’, and ‘mortal pride’
These are just some of the ’empty stones’ we tote around
Allowing them to grieve our spirits and slow us down
We must cast off these useless ‘stones of emptiness’
And allow God to throw these sins into His ‘sea of forgiveness’
Let go of each and everyone along with their awful pain
And try to never, never, never to pick them up again.
byheavenslight 